Monday blues 23/03/2020

I told myself that today is gonna be great, everything is going to be fine but we all know that it is not. Thank you to my work and the company that I’m in, im facing issues with my anxiety. My heart screams for help my mind is so distorted I want to cry and I want to hide myself from this misery. I can’t face this I can’t. I can’t do it and I don’t know how to do it. I’m scared I want everything to end. Please end me.

Is this goodbye?

 

I used to be able to recognise my emotions
But now, I’m just numb.
So numb. Maybe because I’m so used to the pain.
So used to the anxiety
Popping pills every night just to ease the worry
Popping pills just so that I can sleep away the pain
But I know that
All these pain will soon fade away
I just have to brave through the day
But
I couldn’t
Haunted by my traumas, I couldn’t sleep at night
I did it again, overdosing again and again and again
I was so high, high up that I was happy for a while
I fall asleep so easily right after that
And shit
I woke up
The nightmares it keeps on haunting me
I was so scared and alone I needed something to numb this pain
I turn to my drugs, taking it again and again and again
Wishing that I die from it
But I’m still alive
I need this to end
I want this to end
Please end this
Help
Help
Help me
I don’t think I could stay alive for another day
Help
Help
Maybe I should start writing a goodbye letter
Goodbye?

 

*sigh

It’s not that I’m not trying
I have tried so hard to stay alive with this little sanity that I have left
It’s not that I’m seeking for attention I’m seeking for help
To save me from myself
I’m not afraid of the demons im afraid of my demons
It’s not that I’m pretending
I’m just tired of surviving
I’m just tired of everything and I just want to perished into the abyss
Maybe then I’ll be free from my past
Let go and let God
Yet I can’t even forgive myself

Was it all grey?

I don’t know how but life is never black and white

Love is full of grey, it’s not always full of sunshine. A mixture of rain and rainbow to fill the empty spaces

What’s with all this signal was it all just game to you

False hope false promises

I am just so insignificant

I can’t find love nor will I be able to feel love

Torn between the past that cost a catastrophe of my mental health

A cost that was cause by inhumane action

Toying with someone else’s heart was easy for you as you are the master of all games

Was it all grey to you?

Was it all grey?

But grey will never be part of the rainbow, I guess my life is just full of rain since it’s been grey all the time. As I look at the sky hoping that it will give me colours that makes me happy instead of grey.

My life has always been grey.